Me and Maurie Part 1.

I have been on a greyhound bus for two days, in every terminal there are giant t.v. screens running 24-7 coverage of every awful thing happening by and for people. Thankfully I missed my last connecting bus and was scooped up (after a series of phone calls to be reminded of all the people I knew in Colorado) by kind people heading in my same direction tomorrow morning.

I had so much anxiety on the bus  I gave myself a cold sore. When I got to their house this afternoon I meant to pray and woke up an hour and a half later having fell right asleep on the couch. The t.v.’s…the bombs..the guns…the diseases…the collagen…

and the aluminum tubes full of people sarcastically stabbing at every living thing that gets near them between coughs and snores.

I have been feeling more out of sorts then i am used to lately. I have been losing myself to worry and doubt and ridiculous ideas of self preservation in an age where folks are so concerned with just that that they cut off thier limbs when they don’t recognize them. I am in my saturn return…maybe thats why. I am about 6 years sober….maybe thats why. The news made the world seem scarier than ever…maybe thats why.

I am a human and my nature is forgetful and troubled and that is what brings me the willingness to become myself  under extreme circumstances and to be the prayers that are just as much my nature as worry…maybe that’s why.

It’s wise to keep people afraid, it is good business. And also that kind of news is just fueling the anxiety I bring with me everywhere. Its a well worn coat, its a teddybear whose nose had worn off from kisses, its a gift from the generations of solid runners before me, its what they had that brought me here. But the beautiful wild world of some people and plenty of not people had a greater hand in bringing me here this far and it wasn’t by fear but by resilience, by reminders, by hope and by the willingness to keep on going.

When i told a dear friend how scared I have been and how nice it is to need Gods so much she confided that she gets scared too and she gave me a great plan of action, “I am going to wash my hands, hug my kids and plant my garlic.”

To be continued…

About iknowyouknowmyheart

Ever Tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again, Fail Again, Fail Better -Beckett Here I am right over there, running into opportunities to stop running and hoping they keep my scent until my prayers are answered and I am brave enough to slow down.

Posted on October 8, 2014, in luck. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: