Things I Have Never Done Sober:

• Driven a bus
• Fucked someone else’s spouse
• Wondered where I was and found out I was in Georgia
• Slept in a mud puddle
• Had people put money in my hat so that I would stop pretending to play guitar
• Lost my pants
• Chased someone I loved out of my town
• Been in a high speed chase
• Been strip searched by border patrol
• Drove a three quarter ton van the wrong way down a one way
• Played how many punks can you fit in a bath tub
• Sustained a concussion
• Thought stars were space ships because I forgot the Earth rotates
• Been shot at by minute men
• Had a crowd cry at my supposed comedy routine
• Been knocked out
• Been choked out
• Forgotten someones name in the time it took to sleep with them
• Microwaved a frozen beer
• Drank a microwaved aluminum can of previously frozen beer
• Been in a van where a dog was being jerked off by a man
• Made corn dogs
• Gotten Engaged
• Had a grandparent die
• Puked in someone else’s mouth
• Eaten a light bulb
• Been Married
• Set my own head on fire
• Believed that scabies could be cured by good thoughts
• Fallen in a hole any taller than me
• Meditated with a bag of top ramen
• Peed the pants of another

What have you never done sober?

NOTE: After a nice close friend saw this post originally she reminded me of two stories  (someday you may read them) and as a result of this reminder I have had to delete peeing my pants and parking related accidents from the ‘ never done sober list’ Thank You.